It takes courage.

it’s not easy. It isn’t easy at all. Some days are less difficult than others, and other days I don’t know if the pain will ever stop, and I feel like the world is my enemy. But I finally do forgive myself, even if some others will not. That’s what’s important.

I am excited about finishing the summer classes. Vacations should be about relaxing and self-pampering, but I don’t usually like vacations because they mean being plucked out of my social life for a week or so.

I’m at the New Jersey shore for a week with my family at a resort by the water. I’m having a miserable time. I miss my friends a lot and I wish I could go home. I am very unhappy.

So true. It’s awful. And the shame is heavy as well. When I’m in the moment, and I’m drunk, I feel euphoric, to the point that I can’t stop and don’t want to, and I drink till there’s nothing left.

There are many things I love about drinking (and many things I don’t love.) I love the attention it gives me when I’m drunk at a party, and people smiling and laughing (with) me and helping me walk. I love feeling dizzy and like nothing matters.

But I hate when sobriety comes back and I realize they weren’t laughing with me, but AT me. I hate hearing about “what I did” when I was drunk, and not remembering most of it. I hate how when I drink I know I really have no respect for myself or my body. I also hate how when I’m drunk I feel like I’m in heaven, but when I come back down to NORMAL life, I’m disappointed.

There are by far more cons than pros… but the few pros there are so intense, it’s very difficult to give them up.

you can do it!- just don’t be afraid or embarrassed to tell them you don’t want a drink. If they don’t listen and say things like “aww, come on, just have one or two…” Be firm in saying “no” so they get the message. The most challenging part will probably be convincing yourself that even though a drink would be nice, quitting is what you really want deep down.

I know I’m almost there. I was thinking about checking this one off today, but I want to make sure I’m ready. Checking off this goal would really be a big step for me.

It is dark, 1am. I went to sleep at 1 in the afternoon today and woke up at 6pm, I’ve been awake since. All day I was dozing in class. I do not know why I cannot sleep like a normal person.

Night time is the most difficult time. As soon as the sun goes down I feel like a wave of energy is sucked from my body and I become exhausted and pessimistic, and I feel like I can’t go on anymore, or that I don’t want to.

My one friend called me tonight, I’ve only known him for a few weeks but we hit it off at a party I went to. He has sort of a drinking problem, worse than mine, and we drink together. When I answered the phone, on the other end he says, “Hey, wanna know something funny? I’m drunk off my ass right now… and I’m driving.” He was serious. It scared the shit out of me, I am so thankful that he is OK. He said he just had his heart broken, and that the only way he knows how to cope is alcohol.

Hearing him in so much pain broke my heart. I was so afraid he would crash from drunk driving, and I was so overwhelmed with relief when he made it home safely and then said goodnight. The fact that he called me when he was distraught meant a lot to me too. It shows he trusts me. All these feelings I had made me realize I love him, and I know I do, but more like a brother than anything else. I can’t believe how much I want for him to just be happy- I have never felt so sincerely for anyone before. I love him a lot.

He’s depressed tonight, an hour away where he lives, and I’m depressed too. He said he’s depressed a lot, and I’ve never met anyone who could understand my dark feelings so well. I’m depressed, but I don’t know why. There’s a lot on my mind. My boyfriend, my family, my final exam in two days, the end of summer classes and having to pack up and move back home. There is just a lot on my mind. I have a boyfriend but I’m still lonely, even when I am with him. I don’t know why this is. I just feel empty. I start feeling better when he holds me and I can just relax in his arms. I love that in fact, and I just close my eyes and listen to his breathing, feel his stomach rise and fall. Then I feel better.
That’s what I want—to be cradled and told “everything will be OK.” That’s what I want.

Yea.